FFT: To be a better man
Saturday, January 26, 2013
I have been faced with such choices more often then I would prefer. Thankfully, I tend to go towards the side with the bigger heart. That said, there has been numerous occasions where I didn't. The times where I simply go, "You know what? Fuck you, fuck this and everything else."
Naturally, I didn't say that out loud.
But still, it does fill me with shame that I couldn't be the man I want to be. That there's a part of me that's petty, stingy and generally selfish. Being human, I suppose that these degrading qualities are inevitable.
The most annoying part is that I know what is the right thing to do, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Sometimes, doing the right thing* makes me feel like an idiot. Doing something that benefits me in absolutely zero ways for the sake of satisfying my moral compass just makes me feel moronic.
*it's not the clear cut good/evil cases. But like choosing between things like watching a TV show, or help clean the house. Things that are "for the greater good" at the expense of myself.
It's an all out brawl between my idealistic side and realistic side. So far, neither side is really winning.
Ideally: I would want to help everyone, including strangers.
Realistically: Screw you, I don't even know you that well. Not gonna waste my time doing something for you that you might not even appreciate.
Is this something normal people struggle with? Or do people instinctively help others or push them down the gutter without batting an eyelid?
Well, I strive to be a better person everyday. Not quite sure how that's working out, only time will die.