Insomnia: Gray area
Monday, September 08, 2014

I've been thinking lately. Correction, I've been thinking about this for a rather long time. How can I better myself each day using reasonable amount of effort? You know, without putting in too much; note my awesome tag line. (Scroll up if you don't know what that is)

Sometimes it's not who you are that determines what you do, but what you do that determines what kind of person you are. (Maybe it's not sometimes but all the time, just bear with me for this rant) It takes quite a bit of will power to do something I don't want to do, even when I think it's right. Which summons this same thought every single time, "who gives a shit?". Am I the only retard caught up in his own self-righteous crusade?

"What matters is what you do when no one is looking."

I've seen that quote many times over. It makes sense morally, but honestly? I find it extremely hard to accomplish. We've all seen articles about the unsung heroes of society; but the fact that such a thing is written is that someone noticed. If what you can do something that is beneficial to others, but not a single soul knows about it, would you still do it?

Not many people seems to appreciate that nothing bad happening is probably one of the best things that could happen.

For example, if you see a slippery banana peel that's on the floor and someone could slip and fall on it; would you pick it up and throw it away? (No one will ever, ever know)

If you answered yes, then how far would it have to be before you go, "nah that's much effort", even though you wish someone else would do it? Maybe a pile of dog poop?

If you've ever dropped bits of food accidentally on the table while eating, do you clear it up when you're done or fuck it and "let the cleaner do his job"? Little things like this where no one will ever notice. Occasionally, I fall prey to my own laziness as well.

For some reason I feel like I'm starting to side track. Anyway the point is that lately it feels like I'm spending way too much time balancing between being awesome, and fucked up.

Why am I even doing that in the first place you ask?
There's too many to choose from and there really isn't a main reason that is good enough. So I'll try the closest ones.

I don't like being taken advantage of. I also can't stand idle while my friends slog away. So I do what I can just enough to be helpful/useful, but not so much that I'm essential. And the fact that I can rationalize that so clearly makes it pretty screwed up in itself. I really hate my ability to judge myself from a 3rd person's view.

Maybe it's also because of all the fucked up kinds of people around me lately. They are definitely not making me want to try any harder. Cue my judgmental self again. Just because someone is shit, doesn't mean I have to be shit as well. Sounds simple enough, ain't it?

No it really isn't.
(At least for me)

Imagine you have a friend who is constantly late, do you still arrive on time for him or do you come later? Just because he is late doesn't mean you have to be. Just because you got hit doesn't mean it's okay to hit him back. That is probably one of the hardest thing for me to do. There's something innate about retribution, or as I call it ,"instant karmafication".

But there are times when I managed to hold back. The times when I ask myself, "really? REALLY?!" My morals and self-righteousness ain't worth two shits. It's hard letting someone off without seeing them get bitch slapped to the face with a giant steaming hot rod of justice.

I'm just frustrated recently. Or maybe I'm still high from all the flu medications. Or maybe its just my insomnia acting up again.

In the end, does it really matter what you do? If you were to trample all over someone, look back in retrospect and say to yourself, "I did a great job" and give yourself a pat on your back;

If you're satisfied,
ain't that good enough?

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